So I officially on Day +4, which basically means I am 4 days post transplant and this whole thing is so very hard... It is a bit of a waiting game to see whether the donor stem cells start to make new blood cells in me. Just so everyone know, stem cells are basically very new cells which we (well most people!) make in the bone marrow, they then grow into the different blood cells so some will become red blood cells, some platelets, some white etc...
The idea of the transplant is that the chemo has got rid of the abnormal cells in my marrow and made room for these new ones to hopefully start producing blood for me as my own cells.
So as you know I am a pretty positive as a person, I've always tried to be positive about this whole experience but I do have little blips and it seems I am going through one of those right now. I seem to be having weird nightmares each night and they centre around either people trying to hurt me, try to deceive me or not help me when I need it.
I feel incredibly scared at the moment...what if it doesn't work, have I got through it to easily, I mean it hasn't been easy but I know It could have been a lot worse! Does that mean something will go wrong from now? I know these are kind of irrational throughts. Yes there are percentage chances it won't work etc... and I mentioned those before but there is no evidence at the moment that I have been informed of to suggest this.
I think It is dawning on me that everything, the whole rest of my life, my whole remaining alive on this planet is reliant on this working and that is bloody scary.
A few weeks ago I actually allowed myself to start thinking properly of the future, something I have not done or allowed myself to do for a long while, rather I have lived day by day, week by week not knowing what lay ahead, just being grateful that I was still here really. It was a wonderful thing to think about next year, planning (loosely!) a trip to visit my brother, Tara and my nephews in Australia in a years time. Thinking about trips with friends and allowing myself to picture ahead with Rich.
Maybe that is why I am scared now, because I have finally allowed myself to think of the future and I am so worried I won't get there. By allowing these thoughts to enter my head and get excited about them I now want them so badly. I am a little angry with myself for doing this as I am always so careful to try and protect myself really. Maybe I just need to learn to relax about it all now, I mean I have had the treatment and I am doing ok. There is a very long road to travel before I am classed as better but I am on that road after all. For now though I feel down and so terribly emotional. I see my friends, family, boyfriend and they mean so much to me I just want to cry at the drop of a hat right now. I don't know I suppose this is all part of the process, I can't be positive perky Sally all the time.
I think I just need to write another blog about hospital food, it will either make me laugh or take me further into the depths of despair!
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