Anyway, virus cells showed up in my blood so my doctors weren't worried and put it down to that (I might add all my other bloods were great still). I then felt really poorly last weekend, sick, shivery, sweating, temperature and went to the hospital first thing Monday morning. They did lots of bloods and tests and confirmed flu and my pleatelets dropped again to 21. I'm taking Tamiflu tablets and today i'm finally starting to feel human again plus my platelets have risen to 66 which can only be a good thing.
I said at the beginning that this was called 'lying' for two reasons and the second is because I have been lying....big time lying to you, myself, everyone.... I haven't done it on purpose as such, more to try and make things ok.
Basically I am not ok, or have not been ok. I have been struggling for a long time with my mood, how I feel, crying a lot, not having the motivation or energy to go out, do anything, work has been a struggle and pretty much the only thing I've managed to keep doing.
I was diagnosed with depression when I was in hospital during the second transplant. I had been in hospital so many months by then, was very poorly and the first transplant had failed. I got to a point where I used to think that dying would be better. I'd lay there and think that if I was dead, I wouldn't hurt anymore, I wouldn't need to worry anymore and none of it would matter anymore. Don't get me wrong, although I was thinking like this, I never actually thought about killing myself, the actual act or how to do it. I just felt total nothingness and despair, like I was in a black hole.
I can honestly say that the past few months I've been back to that black hole. Slightly different this time, but thinking why did I go through all that pain and treatment to live the life I've got now. I cried every day pretty much, so deeply unhappy. I was so hopeful when my second transplant worked and I got over that and went back to work etc.... A massive set back has been the avascular necrosis in my hips. It has stopped my life really. My mum keeps telling me it is only temporary and I just need to get over this last hurdle, but I'm sick of getting over hurdles, I'm sick of being strong all the time, I don't know how much strength I have left. Then Rich and I splitting up has just compounded those feelings. When you are with someone you love and who apparently loves you, you feel invincible. I felt I could face anything with him by my side. Then all of a sudden I was on my own. Yes, I know I have my friends and family, wonderful they are too! But they have their own busy lives....it's not the same...you I know what I mean. I have found myself living and working (in my new job from home) on my own and becoming more and more lonely, down about my leg pain, frustration with mobility with confinement more and more to the home, as well as so deeply sad and trying to heal my broken heart.
I have been on a downward spiral of depression for a few months and it all came to a head on Monday. My platelets dropping, living on this constant knife edge of whether blood results are ok or not, and then being poorly caused me to have a kind of break down I think. I was a wreck on Monday, but as I was at the hospital it meant that I couldn't hide it. I had been crying constantly all weekend, whilst being ill, I couldn't get out of bed, motivate myself, didn't want to speak to anyone. At the hospital when I spoke to the nurses and doctors about being ill that weekend, it just all came out which has helped me immensely. I know it has not gone away but I now feel able to deal with it again.
I chatted with the Macmillan Nurse specialist and she was telling me it is really common to feel like this after treatment such as mine. You have this inner pressure, and outer from work etc... To be normal again, to live life because you've had this second chance and it could have so easily been different. Yet it is so hard to go back to normality when you've been through something so traumatic and life changing. I question that I am wasting my life, going to work etc... Even though I like my job, but what else can I do, I have ideas but, well for now, they need to go on hold. I need to accept that. I am seeing a counsellor again and to be honest, just finally admitting it properly has helped me so much. Depression is a strange thing, people think they can talk you out of it, tell you everything is ok, life is good, take you out, make you happy, but it is deep rooted in your mind. Minds are complicated funny things.
I can't really even believe the amount of bad luck I've had over the past few years, surely now I deserve some happiness, I don't think I deserved the bad stuff in the first place but I think I've done my bit now, it's time I was able to live and be happy. I don't ask for much, just a simple life and to be happy. I know I've got a journey to go on yet but I am hopeful, I can now see that glimmer of the other side and I can now understand how strong I have been, how much I have pulled myself through and that is an immensely positive thing.
I feel I can actually honestly say now that I will not let this beat me. I am a strong person and I will be ok. I am finding the strength for these last hurdles with my mind and my hip ops so I can truly live my second chance at life.
